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I'm a 30-something wife and mom. My boys are my pride and joy. Together, we are navigating being a forever family post international adoption.

Sunday, December 21, 2014

Adoption Triad and Open Door Communication

As I have mentioned before, we were lucky to meet Buddy's birth family when we were in-country adopting him. We didn't start out on a great foot, I'm not going to lie, and it made things more stressful for Hubby and I at the time. Still, I am glad that we were given that very rare opportunity. Many families who adopt internationally are not allowed such a privilege.

By the time we were getting ready to leave for home, we were on good terms with Buddy's birth family. They had loaned us baby pictures that we were able to have copied and we gave them some of our recent photos. We were determined to find a way to keep the lines of communication open even though he was moving to the other side of the world.

Buddy did have the opportunity to keep in touch for awhile after we got home. I'm not going to go into detail about what ended up happening, but I will say that suddenly there was radio silence. At first we didn't know what happened, then we did and wished we didn't. We ended up having to sit Buddy down and have a very hard conversation. I had never seen him cry so uncontrollably before or since.

But then one of Buddy's family members emailed me. I am still amazed that she remembered my email address (which is in a different language and alphabet than she is familiar with), got an email address of her own and figured out how to contact me.

I showed Buddy her email. It was met with little response, so I let it be. A month later, I got another email and the same process was repeated. Two months later she sent a longer message and asked Buddy to please write her back.

Buddy seemed to like the fact that he was being written to, but he did not want to reply. I can't say I blame him. He had been hurt, badly, more than once and there is only so much anyone can take. Especially a child.

I asked if Buddy would mind if I emailed back, responded to questions and sent pictures. He said it would be fine, so that is what I have been doing. Every month or so I send her a few pictures and tell her what Buddy has been up to. She typically replies that she loves him, misses him and is thankful for the updates.

Recently, there has been mention about other types of communication. There has been no follow up, which makes me question the earnestness of the statements. I feel like we have been on this road before and it didn't end well.

I want Buddy to have contact with his birth family, but I want to do what is in his best interest. I want him to be in control and not be pressured to do anything he isn't comfortable with. And especially, I want to keep him from getting his heart broken. Again.

I know I can't protect him from everything. I know there is no right answer. I know that no matter what I do, or what she does, or what he does, there will always be scars long after wounds have healed.

Is there a way to keep the door of communication open without allowing it to hit him?

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