About Me

My photo

I'm a 30-something wife and mom. My boys are my pride and joy. Together, we are navigating being a forever family post international adoption.

Monday, May 11, 2015

Mother's Day and Me

I tried to write a blog post last week leading up to Mother's Day on the subject of the holiday, but couldn't figure out how to organize my thoughts.

I'm not a fan of days that focus on me. This used to just mean my birthday. My birthday song growing up wasn't so much the typical "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..." but more Lesley Gore's "It's My Party and I'll Cry if I Want To." I can't remember a birthday where I haven't cried. All the pressure and attention, as well as the inevitable feeling of letdown, gets to me. And as I get older it doesn't get any easier.

Before I became a Mom, Mother's Day didn't really stir up any strong feelings in me. I love my Mom and would always get her flowers and a card. If we were in the same city we would share a meal. If we made it to church, I would happily wish the Moms in the congregation "Happy Mother's Day."

Hubby and I pursued adoption as our first choice to grow our family, so I have never felt the heartache and loneliness of infertility. Since we never tried, I could very well be, but it's not a path I have chosen to explore. I only had one Mother's Day during our adoption process at the end of our pre-adoption journey and I was focused on last minute preparations.

I never felt a painful longing for motherhood that some women do on Mother's Day. My first Mother's Day wasn't met with joy and a sense of fulfillment. It was met with the kind of feeling I get on my birthday.

This year, add a long-standing discord between my mother-in-law and myself. It made for a day where I woke up feeling uncomfortable in my own skin. I didn't feel up to celebrate with our extended family, and I made sure that wasn't the plan long before Mother's Day arrived. We did that last year and it wasn't great. So I ended up spending a large chuck of the day alone. Hubby took Buddy to his parent's house and I stayed home by myself.

I understand that Mother's Day can be really hard for adoptees, birth Mothers, and women hoping and praying for a child. I feel guilty in the fact that I have a beautiful son and a wonderful family and yet I get very little joy out of the day.

I sit here, alone, trying to make sense of how I feel.

I feel sad.

And I'm looking forward to tomorrow when this day is over for another year.

No comments:

Post a Comment