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I'm a 30-something wife and mom. My boys are my pride and joy. Together, we are navigating being a forever family post international adoption.

Thursday, November 6, 2014

Bio-Mama Drama

My son has a birth mother.

There, I said it. It's out in the open.

But wait a minute, of course he has a birth mother. Everyone does.

In Buddy's Lifebook, on one of the first pages we have written:

"It takes two people, a man and a woman, to make a baby.
The man fertilizes the woman’s special egg and a baby is made.
Everyone in the world starts with a birthmother and birthfather.
You, too.
Your birthmother and birthfather gave you the gift of life. 
They also gave you part of your looks and natural talents."

I used to be jealous of Buddy's birth mother. She got to carry him inside her for 9 months. She named him. She was the first person who's love he knew. It is hard for me not to be jealous, even now. The story of how Buddy ended up available to be adopted is long and hard, and not my story to tell. But he has been through a lot of crappy stuff, which didn't help how I felt about his birth mother.

The more I talk to Buddy, the more he opens up and shares. Despite all the bad stuff, there was also some really good stuff. The more I listen, the more I understand that he wants to be my son but also wants to hold on to the happy memories from his past. He's telling me, in his own way, what I think a lot of adopted children feel.

Buddy's birth mother isn't just the first person who's love he knew, she is the first person he learned to love. And it is because he learned to love her that he can love me, too.

So I had to get over my jealousy. It was holding me back from a better, closer relationship with my son. I have come to a place where I actually have fond feelings towards her. It didn't happen overnight, and it took a lot of work on my part.

Buddy's birth mother is a part of Buddy, and I love all his parts, even the ones I don't understand.

We are lucky to have baby pictures of Buddy, here he is with his first Mom


  1. I just commented and I think it didn't go through! Sorry if this comes twice. I am just in awe of what an amazing and heartfelt post this is. I appreciate your honesty so very much. I hadn't thought about the fact that if our children hadn't known their first mother's love, they wouldn't be able to love us now. Such a powerful thing to think about.

    1. A mother's love is a powerful thing. Regardless of everything else, I'm thankful to Buddy's Mom for giving him her love.